Friday, September 08, 2006

Musings and no MySpace

Thanks for the feedback on how you’d like to see the posting structured. I have two quick bits of housekeeping before I get to the post.

1. We’re not going to move the blog over to MySpace. While I still feel it would provide a more media-rich experience, the primary reason for joining MySpace is the social-networking aspect. Increasing the readership of DropMyStraw has never been a priority. This blog is maintained for a close circle of friends and family, and many of the subjects and injokes would only, in theory, benefit the target audience. We’re still looking into alternatives and hoping that Blogger gets its act together. I think I’m going to add a link on the right navigation bar that will take the user to a simple update log for anyone geeky enough to be interested in reading it.

2. Since most of you indicated as your preference is that the posts be short and frequent, I will start doing that. I’m sure the occasional long-winded rant will still find its way to the frontpage. For these long, self-indulgent, and sadly inevitable transgressions, you have my apologies. If anyone has suggestions on topics, images you want posted, or changes that might improve the blog, just email, call, or comment.

-

So this crazy woman came to our apartment last night and started spraying shoe cleaner in her mouth. Seriously. Most of you know both my love for storytelling and that I am not one to back away from a slight embellishment. My moto in storytelling is: If it serves the story better to add little gloss here and there, why not? In light of this, I hardly ever claim, “This is the complete truth.” I only say this when it’s true. So, try to believe me when I say that this quick story is completely true and is presented without embellishment of any kind, because it is.

I had just finished trying to get my sister-in-law’s boyfriend’s internet connection to work by troubleshooting it with him over the phone. I have a year’s worth of “professional experience” doing this, so I’m often successful. Last night, I wasn’t. I couldn’t get the stupid thing to connect. After apologizing for wasting his time, I hung and stood to join Mandy on the deck. I heard a knocking at the front door (it was about 9:00PM). Somewhat apprehensively I walked to the door and peeped through yon peepin’ hole to take a gander at this mysterious caller. A woman was standing outside with a clipboard and a bottle of cleaner. After a quick double-check to confirm she wasn’t carrying any guns or copies of the Watchtower I opened the door and said, “Yes?”

She proceeded to rattle off where she was from (Philadelphia) what she was selling (some brand of oxidizing cleaner) and that the sales benefited a good cause (making her rich). I politely declined and started to the close the door when she said,

“Sir, do you have a shoe?”

“I have several.” I replied. Damn, I’m funny. I gave quiet chuckle and blew on my finely manicured nails.

“Let me see it.” She said back not smiling at my impossibly witty retort. I handed her one of my running shoes and she cleaned the side of it with the spray going on and on about how wonderful the stuff is. It did clean the shoe pretty well, but not enough for me to pay. I politely declined to purchase again and she said,

“Sir! It’s harmless!” She sprayed her bright yellow shirt, “It doesn’t stain!” She sprayed this quiet little man in a suit that had emerged from the shadows to stand to her right. He laughed and ran away. “It’s not poisonous!” She started spraying the shoe cleaner in her mouth, staring at me as challenging me to say, “Yeah, I’m spraying it my mouth! What are you gonna do about it?”

Somewhat shaken, I declined to purchase the cleaner / mouthwash and started quickly closing the door when she said, “You look like somebody famous.” The little man agreed, wiping the cleaner from his face where she had sprayed it, and said, “Yeah… you like that Kevin Sorbo guy from Hercules!” They agreed and started laughing. I nodded, smiled weakly, and quickly closed and locked the door.

Granted, having a strange person call on you at night and fill their mouths with shoe cleaner is strange in and of itself. But the really weird thing is I have been compared, in appearances, to Kevin Sorbo multiple times. It seems even people with obvious mental problems can see this similarity.

It started in High School, when the Hercules show was still on the air, and continues up to this day. I’ve had teachers, co-workers, random people at bars, and now shoe-polish-drinking salespeople tell me this. It’s really strange because I, and anyone I know well, have no idea what these people are talking about. I’ve included a couple pictures to see anyone else can figure it out.


(Oh, now I get it.)

6 comments:

sis said...

how could we have missed the resemblance..all these years?

Hmmm..so I guess the clown car kinda takes a back seat to the sales people? or fire at the Burger King? "but we want to refill our drinks" "THE BUILDING IS ON FIRE"

any good rides in a cemetary lately? I have some Indian music you can borrow!

KSorbo said...

Shave the patch

Chad Kremer said...

wow, it appears kevin sorbo is reading your blog. That's sad for Mr. Sorbo.

James R said...

I always enjoy a Matt story. This one is one of the top in a weird I'm tripping on acid kind of way.

Matt, it must be your Herculean demeanor that gives them that impression.

Matt said...

Must be, Roq. Good to see you lurking in the blog shadows. Makes me think there is a higher power in the universe.

Jon V. Den Houter said...

The greatest treat for me in reading dropmystraw is the occasional zinger, like this one:
"It seems even people with obvious mental problems can see this similarity [between me and Kevin Sorbo]." I love this kind of humor! Matt's statement sounds like a dry statement of fact, but lurking between the lines is the hilarious implication that people who spray shoe cleaner in their mouths obviously have mental problems! LOL!